A Not-So-Great Day

Today was not a good day. It wasnt a bad day but I just felt like i couldn't get out of y own way. I'm look at the things that I'd want to get done for myself and it just wouldnt manifest. I've been feeling really out of whack lately. I've been very steady on my medication - I haven't missed a day since I got back on it about 2-3 weeks ago - but I still feel... odd. Like I can't be happy. Like there's something standing in my way of being happy or finding the same feelings I had before I got off meds. It kinda feels like I've been cheated by my doctor because he wouldn't renew my script. Because of it, I kinda feel like something was taken from me that I have to fight to get back. Sometimes I'm just so tired of fighting and advocating for myself. Sometimes I just want someone else to do it for me.

Things that are currently wrong (in word form so that I can both look back on this day and laugh, and so that I can hopefully, finally put eyes on them all and see that it actually isn't that much):

• I don't feel comfortable at my job anymore and I need a change
• I don't feel like going into work or doing the work anymore
• I can't seem to get back on track with my body in terms of food
• I haven't really worked out in a while
• I'm beginning to not care about derby as much as I used to. 
• I'm feeling apathy towards a lot of things that I typically love to do.
• I don't feel secure in being a Goddess
• I don't like doing the work it takes to run a business.
• If I had a boss, I'd be fired by now.
• I'm irritated at the state of the house and how it feels like no one is doing anything and cant seem to change my thinking. 
• planning out food feels like a full time job now.
• Doing the thing is really messing me up in terms of my own goals.

So I'm blogging in the hopes of figuring out some of these things. Because right now all I'm interested in is writing with the kids and watching netflix and doing the thing. Maybe I just need to get away from doing the thing. 

I feel like I need 2 weeks off from work and like a vacation from everyone else here. I feel like if I could just reset everything, things would be good. But the more I actually think about that thought, I obviously know it's not true. I just really don't want to work there anymore. I don't know if it's just that I dont want to be a cashier or if I just dont want to work there. I'm really sick of the sexist, cissexist, racist fucking remarks that come from people and it just seems more and more I'm not supposed to be there. I just want a job that I can genuinely feel at home in. Which is a goal I have for being a Goddess. Which just makes me think "ok, so I just have to be full-time with my business". But how can I do that when I can't even pull myself to do business in the first fucking place? I've been ignoring business for a while now. I was actually supposed to have a party last night but the hostess never contacted me.

That's the other thing. My business has been experiencing a bit of bad luck and poor planning. I just dont know what to do. I'm doing this thing where I'm just going and running my business in fits and starts, really jolty feeling. I'll feel passionate and motivated and able and then it just fizzles out. then I'll get another pull of motivation and I feel defeat one way or another - a bad party, no party leads, things falling through, bad sales. And I just hate doing the work that I do for less than I deserve. Or I can't even keep up with the things that I need to. It's not that i don't know what I'm doing, its just literally like I cant keep up with all the things that I want to do. I feel like I have to get back to basics and actually figure out what's important to me and my business. But I have no current interest in doing so at the moment. 

So everything feels really interconnected and even more intangible to deal with. And like, I just dont want to. I dont want to deal with anything, or fight anymore, or do hard things. I just want it all done for me because I'm so time of it all. And I know that that's not how it works. But I also know that I just cant pick things up and start doing them and expect myself to be okay with it, and therefore easier to fucking do and work with. 

So I just want to sit around and do nothing with my time. But I don't really want that. I want to be working towards my goals, honoring myself and my work. I want to be a beacon of hard work and good things. It's just too hard to look at right now. 

Off Medication

It's too much work right now to try to fill you in on all the things that are in my head at the moment. My head is full. My body feels heavy and my heart feels restless. I want to cry and smash dishes at the same time I want to just sit down and watch TV. I'm supposed to be at roller derby learning how to hit people. Instead I'm trying to do business. What started out as an attempt to just catch up on business with all the things that I've given myself to do has just resulted in me tearing up, listening to Jay-Z and making this blog.

I feel anxious. Like there's an earthquake in my soul.
I want to quit my job.
I want to hold furry animals.
I want to do business and feel fulfilled.
I want to cry. I'm starting to, and then I become too aware of it so I stop.
And then I hate myself for crying.
Hate myself for even trying to express any of this.
I won't stay up with it anyway.
And besides.
Aren't I just trying to get attention?
Aren't I thinking of nothing but showing all my friends this blog?
No, of course this is just for me.
My friends would just *happen* to find this.
I would just *happen* to tell people off-handed.
What do I want?

And then I keep thinking about how I'm not supposed to be like this. I'm supposed to be working on feeling better. I'm supposed to be working on positivity and shitting rainbows and changing my outlook on life. For my business.
I just don't feel like it today.
But if I don't feel like it today, when will I feel like it?

I'm off my depression medication at the moment. It's the best roller coaster I've ever been on. Some people wont be able to tell if that's sarcasm or not. I'm not telling you either way. Because fuck what you think.
I'm sorry. Part of me said that because it was edgey.
Some part of me is just saying that because I suspect that you'll already know.

Sometimes I'm not sure what's actually me and what I'm feeling and what I'm showing to the world. "You where a mask for so long, you forget who you were before you put it on."

It's not really like that. I just like saying things for the reaction. Truth is, I have no idea who I am and what I like most days.

I feel kind of like the idiot from "Of Mice and Men" by Jon Steinbeck. I don't remember much about the book except that it was during the Depression and it was this guy and his brother looking for work. His brother is simple and the first guy basically goes through this town trying to convince everyone that the idiot brother is worthy of work, even though he's super simple. But the simple guy doesn't know he's simple.

I feel like him sometimes. Just wandering through the world without a fucking clue. Simple. Stupid. I'm trying to cry again as I admit these things in writing. I know I'm not stupid. I just constantly feel stupid.

I'm listening to Kid Cudi now. I want to listen to more of him. It's more comfortable for me to flow through topics than to stay in one area, focused.

I was actually worried that this post and this blog is just going to serve as a masturbatory way for me to keep refeeling my feelings and getting stuck. Maybe I jsut get super focused on my own feelings and that;s why it feels good. I actually think that won'y be the case.

I think I'm going to try not to correct my spelling as I go through these posts (i just did though) so that way I cah seen exactly what im typicng without editing. Because I'm not speling things wrong because i dont know how ti spell, but rather because my brain is moving in very particular ways. i know how to spell everuthing that im putting in this post. its more that i want to see just how much correcting I have to do un order to be typicng like other people. thats funny. i just made the same tyuping pattern mistaje twice. I know how to typi too. I'm just letting my brain di the typing without correctluon. maybe i should have isaac take a look at what im typi g latter and see if he can see anyt pattern. He's gooid at that. I just dont want him ti latugh at me for all if these.

I really dont like it when people laugh at me for my mistakes. The bunnies are hopping around and being really loud.

Now sim just really tired. i feel like i sutj did a whole bunch of work. my brain is really tired. ilike im cognitively losing all the thoughts that i have about the topooc. Im not as upset anymore. just timred. and apathetic. i should start recording the times that i shtart posting at the top of the post that way i can see how truly long it takes moe to post.