Off Medication

It's too much work right now to try to fill you in on all the things that are in my head at the moment. My head is full. My body feels heavy and my heart feels restless. I want to cry and smash dishes at the same time I want to just sit down and watch TV. I'm supposed to be at roller derby learning how to hit people. Instead I'm trying to do business. What started out as an attempt to just catch up on business with all the things that I've given myself to do has just resulted in me tearing up, listening to Jay-Z and making this blog.

I feel anxious. Like there's an earthquake in my soul.
I want to quit my job.
I want to hold furry animals.
I want to do business and feel fulfilled.
I want to cry. I'm starting to, and then I become too aware of it so I stop.
And then I hate myself for crying.
Hate myself for even trying to express any of this.
I won't stay up with it anyway.
And besides.
Aren't I just trying to get attention?
Aren't I thinking of nothing but showing all my friends this blog?
No, of course this is just for me.
My friends would just *happen* to find this.
I would just *happen* to tell people off-handed.
What do I want?

And then I keep thinking about how I'm not supposed to be like this. I'm supposed to be working on feeling better. I'm supposed to be working on positivity and shitting rainbows and changing my outlook on life. For my business.
I just don't feel like it today.
But if I don't feel like it today, when will I feel like it?

I'm off my depression medication at the moment. It's the best roller coaster I've ever been on. Some people wont be able to tell if that's sarcasm or not. I'm not telling you either way. Because fuck what you think.
I'm sorry. Part of me said that because it was edgey.
Some part of me is just saying that because I suspect that you'll already know.

Sometimes I'm not sure what's actually me and what I'm feeling and what I'm showing to the world. "You where a mask for so long, you forget who you were before you put it on."

It's not really like that. I just like saying things for the reaction. Truth is, I have no idea who I am and what I like most days.

I feel kind of like the idiot from "Of Mice and Men" by Jon Steinbeck. I don't remember much about the book except that it was during the Depression and it was this guy and his brother looking for work. His brother is simple and the first guy basically goes through this town trying to convince everyone that the idiot brother is worthy of work, even though he's super simple. But the simple guy doesn't know he's simple.

I feel like him sometimes. Just wandering through the world without a fucking clue. Simple. Stupid. I'm trying to cry again as I admit these things in writing. I know I'm not stupid. I just constantly feel stupid.

I'm listening to Kid Cudi now. I want to listen to more of him. It's more comfortable for me to flow through topics than to stay in one area, focused.

I was actually worried that this post and this blog is just going to serve as a masturbatory way for me to keep refeeling my feelings and getting stuck. Maybe I jsut get super focused on my own feelings and that;s why it feels good. I actually think that won'y be the case.

I think I'm going to try not to correct my spelling as I go through these posts (i just did though) so that way I cah seen exactly what im typicng without editing. Because I'm not speling things wrong because i dont know how ti spell, but rather because my brain is moving in very particular ways. i know how to spell everuthing that im putting in this post. its more that i want to see just how much correcting I have to do un order to be typicng like other people. thats funny. i just made the same tyuping pattern mistaje twice. I know how to typi too. I'm just letting my brain di the typing without correctluon. maybe i should have isaac take a look at what im typi g latter and see if he can see anyt pattern. He's gooid at that. I just dont want him ti latugh at me for all if these.

I really dont like it when people laugh at me for my mistakes. The bunnies are hopping around and being really loud.

Now sim just really tired. i feel like i sutj did a whole bunch of work. my brain is really tired. ilike im cognitively losing all the thoughts that i have about the topooc. Im not as upset anymore. just timred. and apathetic. i should start recording the times that i shtart posting at the top of the post that way i can see how truly long it takes moe to post.