A Not-So-Great Day

Today was not a good day. It wasnt a bad day but I just felt like i couldn't get out of y own way. I'm look at the things that I'd want to get done for myself and it just wouldnt manifest. I've been feeling really out of whack lately. I've been very steady on my medication - I haven't missed a day since I got back on it about 2-3 weeks ago - but I still feel... odd. Like I can't be happy. Like there's something standing in my way of being happy or finding the same feelings I had before I got off meds. It kinda feels like I've been cheated by my doctor because he wouldn't renew my script. Because of it, I kinda feel like something was taken from me that I have to fight to get back. Sometimes I'm just so tired of fighting and advocating for myself. Sometimes I just want someone else to do it for me.

Things that are currently wrong (in word form so that I can both look back on this day and laugh, and so that I can hopefully, finally put eyes on them all and see that it actually isn't that much):

• I don't feel comfortable at my job anymore and I need a change
• I don't feel like going into work or doing the work anymore
• I can't seem to get back on track with my body in terms of food
• I haven't really worked out in a while
• I'm beginning to not care about derby as much as I used to. 
• I'm feeling apathy towards a lot of things that I typically love to do.
• I don't feel secure in being a Goddess
• I don't like doing the work it takes to run a business.
• If I had a boss, I'd be fired by now.
• I'm irritated at the state of the house and how it feels like no one is doing anything and cant seem to change my thinking. 
• planning out food feels like a full time job now.
• Doing the thing is really messing me up in terms of my own goals.

So I'm blogging in the hopes of figuring out some of these things. Because right now all I'm interested in is writing with the kids and watching netflix and doing the thing. Maybe I just need to get away from doing the thing. 

I feel like I need 2 weeks off from work and like a vacation from everyone else here. I feel like if I could just reset everything, things would be good. But the more I actually think about that thought, I obviously know it's not true. I just really don't want to work there anymore. I don't know if it's just that I dont want to be a cashier or if I just dont want to work there. I'm really sick of the sexist, cissexist, racist fucking remarks that come from people and it just seems more and more I'm not supposed to be there. I just want a job that I can genuinely feel at home in. Which is a goal I have for being a Goddess. Which just makes me think "ok, so I just have to be full-time with my business". But how can I do that when I can't even pull myself to do business in the first fucking place? I've been ignoring business for a while now. I was actually supposed to have a party last night but the hostess never contacted me.

That's the other thing. My business has been experiencing a bit of bad luck and poor planning. I just dont know what to do. I'm doing this thing where I'm just going and running my business in fits and starts, really jolty feeling. I'll feel passionate and motivated and able and then it just fizzles out. then I'll get another pull of motivation and I feel defeat one way or another - a bad party, no party leads, things falling through, bad sales. And I just hate doing the work that I do for less than I deserve. Or I can't even keep up with the things that I need to. It's not that i don't know what I'm doing, its just literally like I cant keep up with all the things that I want to do. I feel like I have to get back to basics and actually figure out what's important to me and my business. But I have no current interest in doing so at the moment. 

So everything feels really interconnected and even more intangible to deal with. And like, I just dont want to. I dont want to deal with anything, or fight anymore, or do hard things. I just want it all done for me because I'm so time of it all. And I know that that's not how it works. But I also know that I just cant pick things up and start doing them and expect myself to be okay with it, and therefore easier to fucking do and work with. 

So I just want to sit around and do nothing with my time. But I don't really want that. I want to be working towards my goals, honoring myself and my work. I want to be a beacon of hard work and good things. It's just too hard to look at right now.